Scars of My Hearts
by Doctor-and-His-River
Summary: A happy day at the beach becomes dismal when the Doctors darkest secret is revealed. *Contains mentions of self-harm. Please do not read if you are easily triggered.* I do not own anything, I only like to play with the characters.


So, this is my first Doctor Who fanfiction. I do not own anything, I just like to play with the characters. Please review and let me know if you want me to continue with this, but with a different scenario. Thank you.

***Trigger Warning***

"So, where to Ponds?" The Doctor questioned, grinning over to Amy and Rory.

Amy smiled, "Want to go to a picnic somewhere?"

The Doctor dramatically spun to the console, punching in the coordinates for one of his favourite picnicking spots, when his psychic paper burned in his pocket. He quickly checked the paper, and smiled softly to himself. He turned towards Amy and Rory.

"Bear with me, we just have to make a small side trip first."

He punched in the new coordinates, and ran over to the TARDIS doors, throwing them open. Seconds later, a woman with a large shock of blonde girls fell through the TARDIS doors, and into the Doctor's arms. She grinned up at him.

"Hello Sweetie."

The Doctor spun her in a circle, his loud, joyous laughter ringing through the console room. He planted a quick kiss on River's lips. The Doctor placed her back onto the floor, before running over to the console and re-entering the location for their picnic spot.

He turned to River, "You're just on time, we were just getting ready to go on a picnic."

"Sounds wonderful. Hello Mum, hello Dad."

River swept her parents into a hug. Amy and Rory squeezed her back, elated at seeing their daughter again. The Doctor softly smiled himself, happy to see the family together. It always made him happy when they were all together. The wheezing sound of the TARDIS brakes announced they had arrived. Amy scrambled to the doors, wanting to see where they had been taken.

A beautiful beach was spread before them. The rich blue water stretched endlessly before her eyes. The sand was a pale golden color, hot to the touch. The brilliant glare of the sun reflected into her eyes, blinding her. She could smell the salty ocean air, and hear the soft sounds of the waves lapping on the sands of the beach.

They set up their picnic on a pale blue blanket. The expanse of food was lain before them. Turkey sandwiches, ham sandwiches, potato salad, and a savoury pasta dish he could not remember the name of where devoured by the four hungry people. For dessert they had apple pie, piled high with whipped cream. They laughed and talked after eating, Amy and River sipping wine, Rory with a beer in his hand, and the Doctor nibbling on a Jammy Dodger.

Amy had the bright idea of taking a dip in the water, and insisted everyone join her. He politely refused, urging the rest of them to have fun without them. They reluctantly gave in after some protest, and went off to go play in the water. He heard Amy's giggles and Rory pulled her under, soaking her and causing her tank top to stick to her, dripping with water. River splashed her father, who splashed her right back.

His thoughts started to drift into the dark corner of his mind, as it often did when he was occupied. He thought about all the people that had died because of him, about the Timelords. He could feel his mood dragging down. He lightly traced his thumb over his wrist, which he carefully kept concealed under his sleeve.

He was pulled out of his sad thoughts by River, who had bounded over to him, her blonde curls and clothing dripping with water. He jerked his hand from his wrist, and pulled his sleeve down. River yanked him up.

"C'mon Sweetie, you're coming for a swim, whether you like it or not."

She pulled off his tweed jacket, and started to undo his bowtie and his shirt. He panicked, and twisted from her grasp. He stared at her, chest heaving, bowtie untied around his neck, first two buttons of his shirt gaping open.

"Please. Don't. I don't want to swim."

River looked at him sternly. Rory and Amy were now standing at her sides. With a small nod from River, Amy and Rory leaped at him, pinning him by his arms as she continued to remove his shirt. He struggled, unsuccessfully trying to dislodge them from him.

"Please, please don't." He pleaded as River started to push his shirt from his arms.

She just smirked at him, continuing to push off his shirt. He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting. He knew she had seen them when she gasped and ceased her movements.

Tears drew tracks down her cheeks as she traced the scars criss-crossing his arms. Some were faded to white, others were red, and a few were still fresh or scabbed.

She looked at him with watery eyes, and whispered one word. "Why?"

Something in him broke, and his eyes overflowed. River cradled the sobbing Doctor, while Amy and Rory looked on, tears streaming down their faces for their broken friend.

" I deserve this. I deserve this pain. I've let people die for me. I've wiped out entire races, even my own! What kind of monster does that make me? I'm selfish. Everyone that stays with me is in constant danger, all because of me. Whether it's my enemies, or the crazy, dangerous adventures, they are all in danger. People get hurt, and they die. Why? Because I'm too damn weak to be alone!"

River grasped his chin, lifting his eyes to look into hers. She stroked his cheekbone with her thumb.

"You know none of that is true. You're a great man, who brings hope with his very presence. Yes, you've made a few mistakes, but guess what, so does everyone else. You're not the only person that makes mistakes. You do whatever you think is best, and you'll do anything, even sacrifice yourself, if it means everyone lives. Your companions love you, and love the adventures. When they agree to join you, they know that there is danger and risks. But they love you so much and you do so many amazing things that they don't care, they just want to be with you. So Sweetie, please, stop hurting yourself. You deserved so, so much more."

She clutched him to his chest in a tight embrace. Amy and Rory joined the hug, mixed their tears with the Doctors and Rivers. Underneath all the sobbing, a small 'thank you' could be heard.


End file.
